Coolspot’s Den

Edwin surprised me this morning with this. :)

Ca_grad

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Finally. Dead week is over. That’s the good news. The not-so-good news is, tomorrow is final week.

I only have two finals, which is a big relief for me. The thing that I fret about is that both of these subjects is not guaranteed to get As. I am kind of at the borderline. I really hope to get at least an A, so I can rest peacefully during the break and not worry about the conditional offer or which honor that will be put on my diploma.

Yes, I know I have been absent from blog quite a loooooong time. I always feel want to write, but well, I just don’t know. There are so many things that I want to tell, but in the end, I succumb to the power of loneliness.

During this semester, I vow to myself that I will learn few things, that is to get used to loneliness, to be able not to self-pity and to be able to control my emotion and feeling better. I have been causing so much pain for myself and other people because of my inability to do so. Until I manage to learn all these three things, I think I am considered as a mature adult yet (come on, I am 22 already, gosh!).

Mom and Dad will be coming this Wednesday. Time goes so fast. I still remember the day I was still 17 or 18, preparing to come to the States. There have been so many things that I learn during those times. And right now, I am sitting in front of computer, thinking about past, and future.

I am thinking about God now. Every time I come back from passion or conference, I feel so much passion about Him. I wish I could find a community where I can keep my fire burning in the future. I am thinking about how I miss so much opportunity to tell other people about God, just because I think that it is not an appropriate time to talk about it. The thing is, I am just afraid, or maybe ignorant. Maybe I am too ignorant about other people. Or maybe I am afraid that I can’t answer all the questions. Probably, I think that they don’t care about it after all.

Remember when David Crowder said, “We must choose what we are doing with our hands.” I still have heart for others. And sometimes I get so much comfortable with my life that I choose not to think about it too much. These few days, song like “Remedy”, “Surely We Can Change”, “God of this City”, “How he love Us”, just reverberate through my ears. I really can’t stop thinking about Him. He is always there, wherever I go, he is everywhere. In Edwin, in Denny, in my dad and mom, in the church, in front of the class. And suddenly, I can’t think anymore.

I am tired. This world is never enough. The flesh always wants more, but the spirit says he is the only one you need.

Oh ya, JS just msn me. After a loooooong time. As I guess, she said that she deliberately avoid me despite her attempt to hide it. We didn’t talk at all for maybe three months. I practically thought that we are not even friends anymore. And I am sad. Our relationship (friendship, mind me, don’t even think about other stuff) lasts for one year. It was a memorable time, as we share a lot about God, life, family. Not many people can match the intricacy of my mind. As one ever said to me, “you think too much”.

I always think about the past, what I did wrong that she decided to do that to me. The more I think about it, the more I am confused. I thought she knows better as a friend. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I think that she was an adult already, by the way she spoke and acted. But, people need time to grow and I don’t always realize that.

Anyway, I just don’t want to think about it too much, I better focus on my time in this next three months. It can be a boring period if I don’t plan well. And I don’t want that to happen.

Oh ya, if you don’t know, I applied to continue my graduate study. I applied for admission at Georgia Tech QCF, Georgia Tech/NUS MSIE, Duke MEMP, Imperial College MSc and LSE Msc. I didn’t put too much hope of the last three, and I prayed that God will lead me according to His plan. Turned out, he doesn’t want me to stay in Atlanta, well, I need to start a new chapter. I was accepted at GaTech/NUS, Duke and Imperial. And I was dumbfounded. It’s like cruising at 85mph on the highway, I started to believe that I can do anything, before I hit the wall.. and I get rejected by LSE. Anyway, that put me back to perspective.

On one side, I am sad to leave this city, but at the other side, I can’t wait to go to London or Durham. There will be something left on this city, the thing that has already created a hole in my heart. I really hope that God will lead me the same way he has led me here and in LA.  

Can’t think anymore. There are just too much things going on in my head. I just want to be still. And really focused.

Let me rest.

PS: To tiQa, thanks for your help so far. ;) I really appreciate it!

Don’t even read this message if you don’t have time.

Guys, today my eyes were opened so wide. There are something inside me, the emotion that raged throughout the meeting. One part called me to calm down, and act like an adult, a professional one, the other part implored me to explode, to walk out, to resist, a usual response for someone under threat. The meeting might go well for most people, but I am sure that’s just a mask to hide from Mr.Blake.

I admit I didn’t as much as other people in the group. I don’t have to defend myself on that, after all I don’t like to speak for myself, but one thing about me is that I will be very mad if credit is not properly granted, whether to me or other people. That’s what I feel today. After all, I am not in a position to defend anything or to ask for anything. Everybody just takes it for granted and the fact that I don’t take credit for it, that’s my mistake.

First of all, in the team, I do work. If you don’t think I do work, then that is the end of discussion. I don’t have to debate about it anymore, because you are just blind. It’s waste of my time to talk with people who don’t have that common sense. Whether I do a lot of work, or a little, it is a work. Let me tell you something that I do, helping to download pirated version of software, sorting the data, buying the software that is crucial and generate the necessary information. Well, that is not much compare to what you guys have done. But everybody takes it for granted and the fact that I don’t take credit for it, that’s my mistake.

Listen to this. This is another thing that I am disgusted with, that I am put in the lowest possible position in the group. “Four of us are meeting”. And I can assume that four is not one of us. Let me tell you something, the only time I am absent from Sunday, Friday, Saturday meeting is when I got trouble with my schedule. I repeat, that is the only time. Another time of my absence happened at time when you guys go to BlueLinx almost every other day, I miss almost the entire 2 weeks. Now, tell me which part of me that cannot make it to the meeting. I was there almost all of the time. Even though some of you don’t have the decency to consider that I am going to church every Sunday and held the meeting and nine o’clock in the Sunday morning. Did I bitch about that, I keep quiet, after all you didn’t do it purposely, but I show up.  Did I bitch about the meeting times? I am the last guy you ask, and I will say, I will try to show up, and I do show up. Someone asked me to skip my class and I did it. Everybody takes it for granted and the fact that I don’t take credit for it, that’s my mistake.

Here is what might enlighten you. I was there, but nobody think I was there, because nobody wants me to do anything. I know that you expect me to do something, but I ask couple of time (two or three maybe) about the job I can do. In the end, I stop talking because it is better not to bother you about your job. I give some ideas, nobody listen, but when my ideas work, nobody remember it as mine. I am okay with that, after all objectives trump ownerships. Well, you might say, I always browse internet at the meeting or sleep, which I don’t deny, but let me give you a fact, there is a difference between browsing internet and doing no job with getting no job, bored and browse the internet. What do you expect me to do, sit down like a dog wagging tails under the table to wait for you to throw the bone? If you don’t agree with it, it’s either you don’t want to understand or you don’t have a laptop (to browse internet of course). Here is a fact, even though people think that I don’t exist in most of the time, at least I have decency and show up to respect the time you have given up for the project. Let me help you, keyword is SHOW UP.  And because of that, I can be very upset if I am put in the same status as people who did not show up half of the meeting. Everybody takes it for granted and the fact that I don’t take credit for it, that’s my mistake.

Don’t put me in the position that I need to defend myself and explain myself that I show up in the meeting, just to rebut you statement that only four of you meeting. And don’t even to defend yourself, you clearly say four, and that number really means something, and well, if you do a mistake in the numbering, I am not going to wipe someone’s ass. I prefer to keep quiet. After all, there are only few results from this project:

1.-      - We finish the project, get grades on it

2.-      -   We will continue to be partner, some of us won’t be

Which one do you think is more important for me? To be honest, I don’t care if in the end I get a grade lower than you, but I am angry if you put me down just to make yourself look better. There is no need for that. Everybody takes it for granted and the fact that I don’t take credit for it, that’s my mistake.

Oh ya, I really think Americans are selfish. Throughout my time here, I have seen a lot, including this project, how Americans try to be defensive. They just try everything just to save their ass. They worry about the competition, and the sacrifice relationship. Of course, not all Americans are like that, but the whole thing is driven by American way. Another thing that I am disgusted with, American bullshit. How many times I want to explode when I see someone bullshit just to make them look better. They talk and talk, without regard of what they are saying, in the end it just show how stupid they are. “I can explain better about this project than some of the team member”. Bullshit. Someone that meet only half of the time can explain the project better than me?  Dream on. “we need to quantify the longitude and latitude”. Distance is the quantification. Want to make it more complicated, go on. Everybody takes it for granted and the fact that I don’t take credit for it, that’s my mistake. You know, we have two sayings that I hold firm unto, “Empty barrel sounds the loudest”, and “calm water drown you”.

And I am disappointed. At one point I am thinking to just do what you said. I will skip the meetings, start doing as what you think of me. Probably start bitching about things, force my opinion to heat things up. Well, I will just continue my place, I dont think that is a good idea, after all, i am not in any position to bargain for anything. After all, there will be an end to this trouble. In two weeks. I will still try to make you guys look better, and keep quiet when you do that. It’s really selfish of you, but again, we are in America. And that is just not the way I do thing, not the way that my father or mother or my religion teach me. Back in my home, I think we understand more about “we leave no people behind”. The only thing i regret is that I am not be able to do a job, which is to take credit for myself.

This is my last night at Vegas. I visit a lot of places, well, althought it will be more fun if I spend it with someone very special. I always want it.

One thing that is obvious for me this vacation is, Las Vegas will suck your money out of your pocket. I have paid for many lunch that I won't ever pay if I am not in Vegas. Feel guilty though, but well, it is spend already. I wish I am successful already and can make my own money. Well, it is just about time. BTW, yesterday I watch Cirque du Soleil's KA. It was one of the best money spent.

This holiday has been one of the best holiday I have. It is not because of the holiday itself, but it is more about what I am taking break from. First long semester at GaTech has been very challenging to me. I am stressed out. Yes, and it feels so good when I finish the semester. I can just drop the burden from my shoulder.

I am taking break from everything actually. From my guitar, computer, bible, blogging, table tennis, everything. It will be hard for me to start it again.

Thinking about God, well, spiritual is not that good this few times. I almost cancel my plan to join the KCCC conference and almost miss the deadline for Passion conference. In the end, I register for both. Quite expensive actually ($190 and $179).

You know what, i feel a little bit far from God now. Maybe it is because I have not find a really close friend whom I can have fellowship with. I long for a good fellowship. Someone to talk to. Actually, next year, Om Fu ask me whether I can help them out to form a fellowship for South East Asian student at Tech. Well, I accept it. I hope it won't be another disaster for me. There is a little fright in small me, that I would be hurt again. Everytime I take this kind of decision, I make myself vulnerable. It has been a while since the last time I made myself vulnerable. Old wounds are gone, althought the memory will stay, I thought I might try again.

Thinking about those who are passing in my life also. I have a lot of friends that have not find their true answer. I pray that one day, their eyes will be opened. Can't help it, I can only pray. and let Him do the rest.

There are so many things in life that I am worry about. I just don't know what to do, really. So many hope, dream and worries. They all come in a package.

I hope Vision and Passion Conference will let me take a break in this mundane world and get closer to God. I have not been crying for a long time. I want to cry, yes I miss those times when i just sit beside Him and cry.

I want to learn more, improve myself, getting more mature each day and becoming like Him. And I need Him so badly. I ran from Him once in a while, but deep in my heart, I cried out my longing to Him. This is what happened after we commit our life to Him, He always knock on the door, though slightly, to call us.

And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

What I am listening:
1. From Inside Out
2. Mighty to Save
3. How to Save a Life
4. Everlasting God

What I am missing now:
1. Family
2. Fellowship with God
3. Fellowship with fellow Harvester
4. Ive and Scheccy
5. Medan

Wishlist:
1. Fuji F30

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

list of grievance:
1. Sore throat, heavy infection
2. Bleeding ass (literraly!), my hermaehorrid (wahtever it is spelled) come again, bleed
3. 2028 statistic test tomorrow
4. another 4 test to follow
5. computer crash!

list of blessing
1. have a good mt fuji sushi dinner yesterday
2. prolly gonna eat dimsum with fren tmrw
3. ive and scheccy is in the house
4. Going to LA this weekend
5. my pain going to end soon
6. vision06 and passion06
7. bulet coming down here at the end of year
8. still counting...

look at the bright side!

Vision.

Well, that short vacation is ended. I start to think about future again.

It is not that i have lost interest with my two babies, but I start to ponder about things that i should ponder. I wish i could sit down and be a highschool kid again.

Honestly, I want to think about someone special that i could care for, but I can't no single angel here in the middle of Atlanta. Well, i have a lot of people and friend to care for here, but still, there is a deep longing in myself to care about someone.

Friends, yes, I think God give me a lot of people here for me, unlike in LA (only handful). I start to find place where I can relate to. I can close my rear-view visor now, at least i only need it once in a while. I thought it would be impossible to leave my past life, but here I am, going on with my life. After all, it takes me a while before i can do it. It is hard, but it is a process and God helps me now.

Spiritually, my growth seems to reach some straight line already. In a sense, it's not regression, well, just stop learning a lot after months of highs. I have been expecting this for months and I hope i can survive this just like I survive previous one. Not going to be easy though.

Call me crazy, or irrational, but sometimes my thought is weird for some people. Well, I think about soulmate alot, or maybe family. I am a family man, although that doesnt give me reason to think about it that much, but I just can't help but think about it. I don't think much about school, and even myself have hard time finding out whether I give effort for this or not. Sometimes I can be pretty much serious, but most of the time, well, I talk myself out of it. Honestly, I dont like what I am doing right now, and I do it just because I am stuck in this position. 3 more semester! Rejoice my very heart! Rejoice!

I am dying for the end of semester already. I have 2 extra credit program that due tomorrow and I havent even think about it. Well, next week will be tough. All 5 test in one week, rejoice my heart, for the pain will only last one week. I hope i get a good grade though. I wish I could maintain my 4, but I think, well, it doesn't worth the effort.

ANyway, i need to sleep again. Oh, did i tell you that I have fever now? 

These few days, there are something about me that changed. At least that was what I felt.

I thought a lot of things. A lot of times, it caused me an inability to sleep well. It took a lot of time before I can go at sleep at night. I worry about a lot of things, maybe it is not worry, I was just wondering. About future, about career, about what I wanna be. I always want to be successful, establish a company and spend my life doing what I want and called to do. I want to make differences.

Sometimes, I look at myself, and look at the world. There are times when I compare myself to other, in term of achievement, also in term of possession. Sometimes it makes me want to do something, work harder, find out what is their secret. The ambition was too great, it was driving me, passion maybe. The funny thing is, I failed a lot. I don't know what is missing. I have done what is required, I am not lazy, I try to find connection, try to find the same thing that may be the secret. Still, I am missing something. I already have what they may have, but having the same thing may not guarantee it. I just wonder. Sometimes I feel bad about myself, and I keep thinking about what is wrong with me. I plan, so next time I will succeed, but always, there are something missing.

I look at others in ministry. I want to do something for God. I wanna grow. I want to serve, but I guess it is not up to me. I feel a lot of times I fail, although that may not be the case for other people. My ministry in Kingmi went short just because I am impatient and too critical, but isn't it true that everybody has their weaknesses? Why this particular weakness, instead of boosting me, brought me down? Take a look at my ministry at Boys Brigade. At one time, I fall in love with this organization, but again, I was hurt deeply, and why? I never know the answer until today. Maybe it is my immaturity, or maybe my integrity, but it doesn't matter now. Harvester, though make impacts in some people's lives, I don't think that it last long enough. Until I get out of Indonesia, I never know that what I have done is still nothing compare to the outside's ministry. I am so naive, thinking that I started a revolution, but I am just short-sighted. Phenomenon failed before it even started. Every member tumbling down, although I have done everything I can.

True that each of this failure make me stronger. Yes. I have been stronger than I was, but what is strength? There are always place and position I wanna be, although people say be careful for what you wish because it may come true. I still need to grow, and I don't see that I will stop growing anytime soon.

This grow is just painful. Disappointment, tears. Or maybe I should refer to the failed relationship? I have tried everything and in the end, no matter how hard I have tried, I can't change the fact that I am still immature. And I failed. I wish I can turn back the time and maybe change things that I have wrongly done.

The same thing applies to my learning process. I thought that there is fast track to anything. Well, after all, that is what I did when I was in high school. I didn't take a lot of effort in studying but still I can get the grade I want. The same thing happened when I learn graphic design. I thought learning from good teacher would put me in fast track to graphic design world. I always asked how you do this and that, but the sense of art has to be developed over time. Like when I play piano. Things just don't come instantly. I start to learn about that and I slow down when I want to achieve something. I slow down and practise, slowly put my effort in it, learning to be patient.

What keep bothering me is a question, why there are fast tracks for other people, and none for me? Why he can do that so fast? Why she can learn it so fast? I wonder why HK was so talented in design while the time I spend won't probably be less than the time he spend. Or maybe at ET who is so good at graphic and music, why? At one point, I try to stop asking myself and keep trying, but whatever I tried, I can't do it. I persist, I focus. I play basketball almost everyday at summer hoping that the practise will reap results, I practise table tennis, hoping I would be good enough. But still, it falls short of my expectation. Dad told me that I am too serious. But, isn't it what it takes in order to suceed?

Pak Susanto once told me, it is a deep grief for a talented person who excel in many things, because he could not choose one particular thing and improve on it. Dad says that I have knives on my whole body but none are sharp. I have yet to discover what I am good at. I try to immerse myself in business world, reading books about that and I still do it now, but I can do nothing with my current position. I tried to do something, start something, I have the ambition, passion and vision, but failed. Is it just because my position or is it just my lack of faith? Pak Susanto told me that I think too much, which I do. It is just my nature, is it a bad thing or good? I don't know. I have a lot of dream, which means there will be a heartbreak for each dream shattered.

I want to learn living on present. Just like what Jesus said, worry for today and keep tomorrow worriness for tomorrow. How can I do it? It is easy to do when I wander in the street with only cloth on my body and have nothing to worry about except whether I will eat today or not. Once that worriness is gone, human will start thinking whether he can eat 3 times today. After that, what meal to eat today and still, it is just human nature to worry. Honestly, I am worry about my future, afraid that I will not reach my dream, become I always dream to be.

School, sigh, I don't think that what i learn will be much useful. I think I will learn more by working in the real world, but what if I am wrong? What if there will be the same case when I start working? Where is the end of all of this?

Ive1

These few days, I am glad that I stop worrying about future and other things for a while. Thanks God that He gave me this vacation. All I thought for these few days were only an angel and two babies. I can't sleep because of that, but I am glad that I only have three things to think about. I am happy that some of the days I even sleep well because I can quickly remove that 3 things from my mind, instead of random infinite thought I have. I am grateful really. I live for the moment when my Schecter arrives. I am so happy. The same thing when my Larrivee arrives too today.

After these things, I think my vacation is over. I am giving few weeks to live on the current moment and I enjoyed it. After this, I predict, I would be back to the normal mode again. Starting yesterday, those future plan and dream comes again and I think I am going to the valley in these few weeks time. It is not a plan, it just happen to me so often that I can predict its coming now, I can see it coming.

Thanks God. Help me to live according to your plan, and do your will, so I would grow more like You. Teach me to trust and depend on You only because that is the source of my strength.

IMG_9653

Here is the update of "Ive"'s big brother, Scheccy.

I am dead.

Dead meat.

Well, my course is seriously threatened. I got 5 courses. And one of it is seriously threatened. Between B and C. There is only a minute possibility to get an A. Well, I don't like this particular situation. I hate it. Everytime I try to console myself. "It's okay, you are not going to need it in work anyway." "Grade doesn't tell the whole truth."

Whatever.

Although I know that, but i feel different. I feel the pressure. I hate the grade system since I was in high school. I learn to be apathy about it, but still I can't free myself from that grade chain. Fear, or maybe feeling of responsibilities.

Next week, i need to switch my modes. That's mean, no cooking, more fast-food, more weight. Late sleep. Maybe no sleep. Tech is just so stressful. I guess if I stay in LA, I'll have much easier times.

The final starts at Dec 12. I've got ISyE 2028 (Statistics) Tuesday, which is the hardest one for me. I am glad that it is the first day, so I can drop 40% of my stress right on the spot. Actually I don't know if I am struggling not to get C or struggling to get A. I hate it. Then I get ISyE 3232 (Stochastic) Wednesday, which i love to study for. I love the way professor teaches. She is so caring and I understand probably 95% of her lecture. Hope I don't have major letdown here. Got Econ 2106 (macro) on the next day and two test (Linear/Discrete Math & Java Simulation) on the last day.

Friday night, we will (probably, you know if it is with Indonesian, everything is probable) perform as band. I'll play either bass or keyboard, depends on where I am needed. Then the next day, LA!!! I am on 7am flight to LA. Will have fun for the rest of the year (though is only 2 weeks).

Sigh, these few days I am a little bit down. Guess the fire is almost gone already. I have been burning brightly for the last 6 months, and well, in every peak, there is a valley, and I guess, like it or not, i have to go down again. I hope it is not to deep this time.

My body has been abused again with those fast-food and oily and greasy food. Not much exercise, but I think I can make it up next year. I just hope I can pass these dead weeks.

Oh, anyway, I just have my wish come true. Guess God let me fulfill two out of my three wishes. I ask for 2 babies and 1 angel. He gave me 2 babies and told me to wait for the angel. Not bad! I've just got a Schecter C-1 Classic and Larrivee L-03E, which is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I am so happy. And I improve so much now! My life become brighter for a while!

Well, this few days my expenditure goes out of control. Since the Black Friday, I got myself some cloth and accessories. Hurt when I bought those things. It is funny that everytime i don't feel hurt when buying electronics or music things. I need to learn how to shop anyway for things that are essential. After all, food, cloth and roof comes first. Guess i have to step on the brake!

WishList:
Good Metronome Got a Korg BeatLab
XTi with Good lens
Bowling Ball with the bag and shoes
Golf Club #6 Iron

WishList:
Fender Strats and Amp Replaced by Schecter C-1 and VOX AD15
Martin/Breedlove Guitar Replaced by Larrivee L-03E
Canon XTi with good Lens
Good metronome

This might be infatuation. But, like I say, if there is no infatuation, everyone will be single in this world.

Amazing to see how God can motivate me. I have praying more lately. :) See how he put an angel?

Keep thinking about that flying angel above me. Hope one day she would fall down. ;)

Bug me really. Sweet suffering. Restless night. Compounding homework and tests. Sweet.